And so I told myself to get up, grab the fork and plant something.
As always my garden is my healer - taking me outside as the world wakes, production and beauty, connection and some work to ground me in the physical.
Grief isn't always easy to recognise. A flatness, tiredness and feeling generally overwhelmed with my life might be what mine looks like right now.
Gunter left for work, the girls got up and I brought a pansy and a forget-me-not to the breakfast table to draw in my journal. The girls joined me. Today I began a morning commitment of writing 5 things I am thankful for, right next to the pansy.
> Morning coffee with Gunter.
>A day at home.
>Obama making it in the US election.
This can become an annoyingly ongoing habit with living in such a small space but right now I might just call it cheap therapy.
On the envelope she had written:
"Heke iho nga roimata tiaho mai nga whetu arahi mai ki te whenua"
"As the tears fall the stars shine down and lead our waka back to shore."
For now, the tears come and they go. That is the way of it. They are a comforting friend who will in due time bring me back home.