coming up for air.

Last week was unexpectedly difficult.

This week feels different but, boy, last week I dragged myself through the days. 

Mostly people wouldn't have noticed. 

Generally I am one of those read-me-like-a-book people. You could say, an easy reader ;), but last week I was working hard at keeping moving, focusing on the small and good to get me through the days.

Mum was right near the surface. Reflecting on my mum's life put aspects of my own life into sharp focus especially those habits and patterns that I have inherited.

This was a little painful and sad.

Struggle seemed to me to be a companion throughout my mum's life - emotionally, financially and physically.

When I was growing up just getting through her days, bringing up five girls, going to work and keeping a home was a daily struggle. 

I watched this and then as a young adult I made up my mind I didn't want a bar of my mother's life :( 

Last week I regretted this. 

I regretted feeling I had to fight so hard for my own identity. 

I regretted that I never wanted children earlier. 

Regretted having moved around so much .... yada,yada, yada. 

You get the picture.

I regretted this all because, you see, from where I am now much of my life reflects the priorities and values in my mum's life. 

All that moving and learning and careering and processing and searching and wanting something different and here I am, right where my mother was, in the heart of my family.

And I wouldn't want it any other way. 

Sure the details are certainly different but so many of the fundamental values and priorities remain the same. 

In my early 20's I didn't see this coming. Not at all.

Who knew that I would have to travel so far to end up back at the feet of my mother. 

So why am I writing about this now?
Well, partly to be authentic (as in the subtitle of my blog) here in on this blog without wanting to share it all.
I'd be happy to share all over a cuppa but in such a public place I'll keep it to the bare bones;)
I'm also writing about it now because this week I still feel I'm just coming up for air.
Do you ever feel like that?

This week all I have tried to do each day is love my girls well. 

That's it.

To hear them. To notice what they engaged with. To be present.

I also wanted to notice my reactions, my impatience and my expectations. Notice them and do my best to let them go.

Last week got a bit messy - we had our share of grumpiness, ranting about the housework and some yelling. It wasn't getting us anywhere we want to be going,

So this week I pulled my focus in small and tight. 

It's all I could manage and was the most important thing I could think of to do.

When things get messy tend to the relationships.
Love the girls well.

The garden grounded us, walks connected us, read-alouds slowed us down and cuddles filled us up.

Joy feels like she's returning, we are welcoming her arrival.